Provision #715: Listening Matters
by Bob Tschannen-Moran
Laser Provision
When your mother exclaimed, "You're not listening to me!", what do you think
she meant? If your mother was anything like my mother, chances are she meant
that you were not doing what she wanted you to do. But there is another and, for
leaders, a more important meaning to the word "listen" that lies beyond the
notion
of "heeding" or "obeying." Listen can also mean to "pay attention for the
purpose of hearing and understanding." That's what great leaders do when it
comes to working with people: we listen and seek to understand the heart of what
they want us to know. How can such understanding serve the purposes of
leadership? This Provision seeks to connect the dots.
LifeTrek Provision
We're back from Asia and an exciting trip it was. Hong Kong. Taiwan. Malaysia.
And then San Francisco on the west coast of the USA. Fourteen presentations in
fourteen days, all on the transformational power of coaching in society and in
schools. Our own coaching model, evocative coaching, featured prominently in
most of our presentations and it was very well received. Given the challenge our
model presents to conventional bureaucratic administrations, we were both
surprised and delighted by the response. People are apparently hungering for a
better way to respond to contemporary problems in education.
Then came the book review from
Peer Resources that I highlighted for many of you in last week's edition of
School
Provisions (you can sign up for that yourself by
Updating your Profile). It was a fantastic review by an instructional coach
that really caught hold of our point: it is better for coaches to listen than to
talk, to ask than to tell, to reflect than to comment. It was such a delight to
read the reviewer's personalized appropriation of our message: "I will incorporate this
idea by asking the teachers I work with to tell me a story about why they are in
this profession, what motivates them to get up in the morning, what keeps them
up at night, and how they react when a student 'finally' grasps a concept."
Such listening is transformational. When we pay attention to what people are
saying, not only to the surface meaning of their stories but also to the deeper
level of their feelings and needs, new horizons open and new possibilities
emerge for constructing better approaches, relationships, and even
organizations.
Therein lies the connection between great listening and great leadership. By
listening to people, great leaders become not only more aware but also more
creative in the search for strategies that work.
While we were in Asia, my wife, Megan, and I had the opportunity to climb to the summit
of Mt. Kinabalu. This was no small endeavor. Although the summit is only 4,095
meters, or 13,435 feet, the mountain is the 20th tallest mountain in the world by
topographic prominence. That means we had a long, steady climb to the top, with
no breaks or down hills along the way. No one ever told these folks about switchbacks!
It's just a seemingly endless trail of steep steps, rocks, and boulders all the
way to the top.
The first day of the climb, up to the Laban Rata lodge, took place below the
tree line. We saw lots of lush vegetation, including endangered species of
large, insectivorous pitcher plants, as well as occasional wildlife, such as
frogs, leeches, and worms. We even saw a leech eating a worm! We also saw lots
of rain. In the spirit of global climate change, our marvelous guide, Richard
Adeh, was both confused and concerned by the weather. The rainy season was
supposed to have stopped more than one month ago. This year, however, the rain
has not stopped – as we can testify. It rained daily, making our trek up the
mountain all that much more challenging.
The second day of the climb, up to the summit of the mountain, took place above
the tree line. We left the lodge at 3 in the morning, hoping to summit the
mountain and catch the sunrise by 6 AM. Steep granite faces of rock, with strong
attached ropes for support, were the order of the day. We could have never made
it to the top without those ropes.
Many climbers never made it to the top even with those ropes. Some 160 people
took off for the mountaintop that day; only about 60 managed to reach the summit due
to a variety of factors including altitude sickness, weather, fatigue, and
motivation. I mention motivation because the mountain gods did not do their part
when it came to the sunrise and all those allegedly spectacular views. We made
it to the top in time for the sunrise, although we saw nothing other than a
gradual lightening of the clouds that surrounded us.
If the climb up was strenuous, the climb down was treacherous. The water made
the steep rocks even trickier to navigate. Our guide was quick to show us the
way, alerting us to hidden dangers and making frequent suggestions as to how
best to handle the different sections of the climb. We certainly could not have
been successful without him, and we might well have been hurt or even killed
based upon our lack of experience with mountain climbing in general and that
mountain in particular.
At one point, as we descended a particularly steep part of the mountain while
holding onto the ropes, I got ahead of the others and started to move in
directions that concerned our guide. "Stay in the crack," he shouted, "stay in
the crack." I listened to what he had to say, looked down at my feet, and
shouted back, "I am in the crack!" He repeated his warning and I repeated
my reply. After one more such exchange, Richard waved me on while watching with
a measure of concern. He apparently wanted me in a different crack, but I made
it all the same.
That's the way great listening works. It alerts us to things that are important
and leaves us at choice as to how best to proceed. Great listening doesn't
demand compliance; it rather increases awareness and invites responsibility. In
the end, I had to make it down the mountain on my own. Richard could not do that
for me. He could just alert me to the danger points and make suggestions as to
how to handle the climb and descent, based upon his experience. Those alerts and
suggestions were invaluable, especially since they were offered in the spirit of
gift.
Had they been offered in the spirit of demand, everything would have changed for
the worse. Had Richard tried to force me to listen to him, to do it exactly his
way, it would not have been any fun and it could even have been dangerous. By
sharing his wisdom and yet giving me the freedom to figure things out for
myself, Richard proved to be an excellent coach. We not only accomplished our
goal; we also had a great time and learned a lot about ourselves in the process.
Performance. Enjoyment. Learning. What more can we hope for from a coaching
experience, the success of which revolved around listening. Richard was
listening to us and we were listening to him. At the start of the climb, I asked
Richard, "How long do you think it will take?" His reply: "I'll tell you after a
kilometer." Richard was sizing up our interests, abilities, style, and pace.
Were we super fit and driven to get there in record time? Were we out of shape
and content to rest at every opportunity? Were we somewhere in between?
Richard was a good listener. By the end of one kilometer, he had a pretty good
idea as to who we were and what he had to work with. "You'll do just fine," was
his reassuring conclusion. "We'll be to the lodge by around 4 PM." He got that
pretty close. The next day, as we came to the higher elevations, he made a
suggestion: "I don't want to push or worry you," he said, "but it will get cold,
wet, and windy as we get closer to the top. If you stop, don't stop for more
than five minutes, and drink only little
sips of water. That will us to stay warm and hydrated."
Now we were the good listeners. Even though we knew there was not much chance of
seeing a sunrise, we decided that we had come this far and that we wanted the
satisfaction of making it to the top. Since he was the veteran climber and we
were novices, we were more than happy to take his advice. Slowly
and steadily we pushed our way forward until we happily reached the summit
marker: "Taman Kinabalu, Low's Peak (4095.2 M)." Five minutes and five photos
later, we were headed back down to the lodge and, eventually, to the gate where we
started.
So what does this have to do with listening and leadership? A lot. Listening is
not about heeding and obeying. Listening is about attending and choosing. That
goes for leaders as well as followers. In the best of leadership dynamics,
leaders and followers are listening to each other, reading each other, working
together to achieve mutually important goals. There is no sense of demand or
imposition. There is rather a sense of respect and invitation.
That was the kind of leadership dynamic we developed with Richard, and it took
about one kilometer. Not every guide worked that well with their people. Some
guides got separated from their people while other guides never seemed to
offer much guidance. They were just there, walking along, available in the event
of an emergency (for which there were stretchers in every shelter).
Not Richard. He never left our side and there was lots of communication. He
would tell us what to notice along the way and what to expect up ahead. He gave
us a strong, can-do message that combined our determination to finish with his
understanding of how to get there. At points, he would make our jobs easier
by carrying our climbing poles while we were hanging onto the ropes or by
carrying our friend Lisa's backpack after she suffered a fall. Best of all, he never
left our sides – he would go as fast or as slow as we would go with no sense of
inconvenience, impatience, or frustration. He was there for us, and that made
all the difference.
Would that we could all be leaders like that! Instead of evaluating performance
and demanding compliance, we could be offering encouragement and inviting
responsibility. Instead of telling people what to do, we could be learning what
people want to do. Instead of talking we could be listening, thereby modeling
the kind of posture that generates success for leaders and followers alike.
Eight years ago, in 2003, I wrote a Provisions series titled
Ten Keys
to Better Listening. You can read that series on line or, if you like, you
can purchase the
eBook and Audio Series for $10. Eight years later, that series continues to
be one of our most popular offerings. It also formed the heart of the first part
of our evocative coaching model,
Story Listening.
There's no way to be a great coach or a great leader without being a great
listener. What does that mean? Here's a quick summary of the ten keys:
- Listen Attentively. Instead of multitasking, great listening requires
mindful focus.
- Listen Actively. Instead of sitting back, great listeners lean forward
to discover something new.
- Listen Reflectively. Instead of commenting or criticizing, great
listeners summarize and paraphrase what people are saying.
- Listen Deeply. We don't just listen to the story; we also listen to the
back story. What needs are most alive?
- Listen Slowly. There's no way to listen well and be in a hurry. Slow
down.
- Listen Connectively. Great listening stimulates important connections of
meaning, hope, and awareness.
- Listen Openly. "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." That
is the only agenda of great listening.
- Listen Respectfully. We don't have to agree with people to be
respectful. Listening communicates respect.
- Listen Appreciatively. Great listening listens for the best in what
people have to say and offer. The best is always there if we have ears to
hear.
- Listen Intuitively. Great listening often involves hunches or inklings
as to the measure of what someone is saying.
Those were the listening skills that I encountered on my way up to the top of
Mt. Kinabalu. And those are the listening skills of great leadership. Fortunately,
these skills are not inborn traits or aptitudes that only a few chosen
individuals carry around with them. They are universal abilities and practices
that can be learned and developed by anyone who sets their mind to the task.
That is one of our hopes for the
Evocative
Coaching Training Program. We hope it will increase the emotional
intelligence, the EQ, of people by cultivating an awareness, developing a
vocabulary, and practicing an approach for better listening. Whether we are
leaders or coaches, listening matters. The more we dedicate ourselves to
improvement in this important arena, the more effective we will be.
Coaching Inquiries: What kind of listener are you? Are you more concerned to
understand what someone else is saying or do you want them to understand what
you are saying? Is listening, for you, more of a necessary evil or a joyful
opportunity? How could you come to value and prize listening more highly? Who
listens to you most frequently and deeply? What would it take to turn the tables
such that you would listen more fully to them?
To reply to this Provision, use our
Feedback Form. To
talk with us about coaching or consulting services for yourself or your organization,
Email Us
or use our
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to arrange a complimentary conversation. To learn more about LifeTrek Coaching programs,
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LifeTrek Readers' Forum (selected feedback
from the past week)
Editor's Note: The LifeTrek Readers' Forum contains selections from the comments
and materials sent in each week by the readers of LifeTrek Provisions. They do
not necessarily reflect the perspective of LifeTrek Coaching International. To
submit your comment, use our Feedback Form or
Email Bob.
I enjoy reading Provisions each week. Thanks for reminding us of your poetry.
"Smile" was delightful. Can I reprint it in the Church Newsletter that I produce
once a month? I was going to put it into March's addition if I get your
permission. (Ed. Note: Permission granted! Keep spreading the news.)
We just discovered David Whyte's poem on your website, "What to Remember When
Waking." We all loved the poem, it is so poignant and hopeful. We plan on
reading it in our worship service. It was inspiring to look through your
website; very impressive content. Thanks for being such a good source and for
all your wonderful work.
I am an LCSW and work in Mental Health at Charlotte Correctional Institution. I
read the wonderful material on your
www.celebrateempathy.com website on
“Reframing “Faux Feelings”, “Feeling Words”, and “The Wheel of Universal Human
Needs.” Our therapy frequently focuses on cognitive behavioral therapy. These
materials would be extremely helpful. I am requesting permission to print and
use them with our population. (Ed. Note: Permission granted! Thanks for your
great work!).
The book review in
Peer Resources is wonderful and
accurate! One sentence caught my attention: "Using the process of "Story-Empathy-Inquiry-Design" (S-E-I-D), an
environment is established that leads to discovery. " In my native language
German "seid" is a form of the verb "to be", conjugated in the plural - you are
- vs. I am...and it struck me that the process you refer to as "SEID" is
focusing on the group/or other person we are coaching, which leads to
discoveries on both sides, the coach and the coachee. Language is fascinating
and I do not believe in co-incidences. ☺ Alas an acronym that I can remember! Top
May you be filled with goodness, peace, and joy.
Bob Tschannen-Moran
President, LifeTrek Coaching International,
www.LifeTrekCoaching.com
CEO & Co-Founder, Center for School Transformation,
www.SchoolTransformation.com
Immediate Past President, International Association of Coaching,
www.CertifiedCoach.org
Author, Evocative Coaching: Transforming Schools One Conversation at a Time,
Online Retailers
Address: 121 Will Scarlet Lane, Williamsburg, VA 23185-5043
Phone: (757) 345-3452 •
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Twitter: @LifeTrekBob
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